So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
