Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
