can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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