I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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