Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
