wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
