Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
