My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
