Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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