Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
