I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
