If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
