I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
