Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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