I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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