youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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