yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Bring me that man meat
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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