the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
