Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
