This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
