ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
