there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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