A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
