The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
