and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
