if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
