idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
