i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
