Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
