I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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