I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
