Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
