I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
