I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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