I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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