I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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