This house was built for laser tag.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
