I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
