wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
