hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
