as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
did i just pee glitter
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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