dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
