I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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