just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
