I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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