Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
meet me or not, i'm out of control
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
