You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
