I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Randomize