You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
