M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
