Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
