I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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