Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
