Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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