god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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