i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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