The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
