Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
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