And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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