I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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