my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize