Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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