I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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