Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
