U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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