i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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