Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
