I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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