Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
